Week 16 – Browns
Are we still doing this? Is anybody still here? Hello? The Bengals were just torched by some dude named Shaun Hill. Hill’s statline from Sunday, 21/28 – 197 yards – 1 TD – rating 105.8 also 5 rushes for 12 yards and 1TD. Let’s recap Shaun Hill’s passing and rushing stats for the 5 seasons from 2002 to 2006:
2002
2003
2004
2005: 2 rushes for -2 yards
2006
Wow, he actually improved on those numbers. And is it really all that surprising that the Bengals were embarrassed by a terrible team starting their 3rd string QB? The Bengals have always been a mess on west coast road trips. Adding that this Bengals team is one of the most unprofessional teams in the NFL and that they have no reasons left to play, then you have a team going through the motions worse than a Steven Segal movie.

The worst part about the game lies in the fact that few bright spots remain as building blocks for next season. All phases of the game- offense, defense, special teams, coaching, front office, celebrity golf tournaments- all of them suck right now. The Bengals were thought to be missing a few key pieces from being an elite team, but now they appear further away than they have since Marvin’s first season. The Bengals have hit a 10 year low as they are now 3 point underdogs at home to the Clowns. The Bengals have been favored to win 9 out of 14 games this season, and their record in those games is 4-5. That means 9 times the Bengals were supposed to be the better team, but they lost to the Browns, Chiefs, Bills, Cardinals and 49ers. If that is not underachieving, I do not know what is. I have a lot of time on my hands, but not enough time to go through each team and see their record when they are favorites, but I have to believe that 4-5 is the worst record in the league.

Keys to the Game
Remember when this was an appropriate picture for the Browns?

That was the picture shown after the Browns week one blowout loss to the Steelers leading into the Bengals game. The Bengals had a 7-0 lead in that game with the ball and the Browns crowd booing their lungs out, ready for another collapse. The Bengals went on to have an interception and fumble in Bengal territory to allow the Browns to build momentum and a lead. The rest of the Browns season builds from that point. Had the Bengals not given up the ball and points, the Browns were primed for another collapse and a Derek Anderson benching. Instead, the Browns are going to the playoffs, and the Bengals started the season 1-4. Not much looks good this week as the Bengals defense cannot stop anyone, and the Bengals offense is pass only and inconsistently. Jamal Lewis has always been a Bengals killer, and he is probably dreaming of another 200 yard day this Sunday. For the Bengals to win they have to run the ball, and the defense has to play to the best of their ability…..which is slightly above horrible.


When the Browns have the ball: So much for the Bengals improved defense. They had been out-inepted by the opposing offenses allowing the Bengals to move all the way up to the 26th spot in the league. However, they ran into the juggernaut that is Shaun Hill which dropped them 2 spots to number 28. Not only are the Bengals the 8th worst in the league against the run, but if the opposing QBs were combined into one person, that player is better than Carson Palmer. Here is a comparison of the Bengals opposing QBs combined against Peyton Manning and Carson Palmer; keep in mind this conglomerate includes such top rate passers as Steve McNair(twice), Damon Huard(benched), Chad Pennington(benched), J.P. Losman(benched), Kurt Warner(backup), Vince Young(hurt), Brock Berlin(3rd string, 1st ever start) and Shaun Hill(3rd string, 1st ever start) for 9 out of the 14 games:
Name----------ATT--COMP%---YARDS---TD---INT---Rating
FrankenQB----450---66%-------3,193------25----15-------92.3
Palmer---------522----65%--------3,581-----22----17-------86.2
Manning-------471---63.5%------3,547-----28-----14-------94.9
FrankenQB would have the 4th highest completion percentage in the NFL, you know what that means? It means if I see one more quick slant against the Bengals for 8 yards I am going to throw up so hard that my puke will puke. And again, there aren’t many bright spots for next year. The young DBs were supposed to have growing pains, but they are now turning into legitimate pains. They could be okay with some help in the pass rush and LB coverage department, but they may never get it from this team. They have two guys with standout ability in Geathers and Ahmad Brooks, but we will see if they ever become dominant players. Other than that they a some guys who could be solid starters in this league, but they aren’t worth paying more than average starter money. They are Peko, Justin Smith, Landon Johnson, Jeanty, J. Joe, Hall, Madieu and Ndukwe. For depth keep Dhani, Fanane, and Marvin White, then sprinkle some veterans and draft picks around these guys and try to put something together. If Justin Smith and Madieu ask for more than average player money in the offseason, let some other team make that mistake. There are plenty of serviceable D-ends out their that will play for a quarter of the money that Smith’s franchise tag costs.

When the Bengals have the ball: Putting Chad’s drops, TJ’s yelling, and Carson’s misfires aside for a second, the true problem with the Bengals offense is the running game. Pundits talk all the time about how forcing 8 defenders in the box to stop the run will free up receivers. The Bengals running game is so weak that I wonder if they even see 6 men in the box sometimes. The Cardinals killed the Bengals running game with barely more than the 4 d-linemen alone. The fact that the Bengals passing game is still top 5 in the league shows what they could do if the offense had any balance. So far this season, the Bengals have run the ball on 37.5% of their plays. Even the pass crazy Patriots do not have that type of imbalance as they run the ball 45% of the time. The Bengals actually average more passing yards per game than the Colts, and are 10th in the league in TD passes. The Bengals rushing attack is 23rd in the league overall and is averaging a measly 3.7 yards per carry. Against the 49ers, the Bengals threw 33 times to 17 run calls. It really should not matter who is running the ball, if the defense is backing off that much, the Bengals line should be able to clear enough space for Joe Merrick to run for 5 yards (If you are not familiar with Joe Merrick, see picture below). An interesting stat is that Dede and Watson combine for 739 yards on 147 carries, which is a 5 yard average.
Multiple upgrades will need to be made to improve the running game next season. First, Soul Patch needs to focus more on running the ball instead of intricate bunch formation pass sets. Second, the Bengals will need the personnel to step up and run the ball. The line and backs have not been solid this season and the Bengals must find consistent starters at all positions. That needs to be a priority even if it requires a one year fix like the Browns received in their 1 year contract with Jamal Lewis. If Dede and Watson together can average 5 yards per carry, could the answer be a Dede, Watson, Irons combo next season with Rudi or Chris Perry as the last back on the roster?
The new ‘Broadway Joe’ is not an animal, he is a Pro Bowl product of the system.

What you do want to see: Where is Brady Quinn when the Bengals need him?

Oh yeah, he looks busy. Doesn’t look like he will be entering the game to save the day for the Bengals this week. Nice pink shirt.

What you don’t want to see: The Browns win the division, is that even allowed? If the Browns win out and the Steelers lose, the Browns will be in the AFC North penthouse. That would be like a member of the Spears family winning the Nobel Prize in Literature. (Whodeyfans.com was nominated last year, but lost our bid to become the 2nd American winner in the last 50 years)
The next Toni Morrison.

Matchup of mullets: Carson Palmer vs CB Leigh Bodden

The last pass Palmer threw against the Browns was picked off by Bodden in the Bengals desperation attempt at a comeback with 20 seconds left. Bodden also recovered Rudi Johnson’s early game fumble that helped spark the Browns comeback and season momentum. Palmer and his new mullet will be looking for revenge and Lehigh Bowden will come to play. BENGALS WIN

Matchup of Moustaches: Kenny Watson vs Romeo Crennel

The powers of moustache have finally kicked in for our man Romeo. He is now being elevated to the upper pantheon of coaching to join his moustachioed brethren. The Browns are currently battling Jeff Fischer and the Titans for the final Wild Card spot, so the powers of moustache will clash for the playoffs. This should be like the old WWF where the loser has to shave his moustache, since by not making the playoffs they do not deserve a moustache. CLOWNS WIN

Duel of the uglies: Jeff Rowe vs. Dave Zastudil

Zastudil is one ugly dude, but he should get credit for perhaps the most amazing event of the season. Zastudil hurt his back early in the season, and the Browns were forced to sign punting replacements from off the streets. One of these lucky souls was a 38 year old man named Scott Player. Being older, Player was in the NFL before the league outlawed the 1-bar facemask, so he is allowed to wear one. Giving his best effort to stick in the NFL, Player took advantage of the 1-bar facemask rule making him the only player in the NFL to wear one in years. He also sported a hefty moustache, here is a picture of a true American Hero, Scott Player:

Zastudil deserves a round of applause for allowing this to happen. CLOWNS WIN

Battle of old men: Bryan Robinson(33) vs Ted Washington(39)

Season stats
Bryan Robinson – 14 games, 18 tackles, ½ sack, 1 forced fumble.
Ted Washington – 5 game, 6 tackles.
Robinson dominates yet another geriatric carcass. I am beginning to think that older players may not be as good as younger players, but I need more research. I will add that to the list of studies being conducted under the Www.whodeyfans.com Fellowship at the The Scripps Research Institute. The only study currently underway is The Mullet and its supposed effects on fast twitch muscle fibers.BENGALS WIN

Biggest loser fan: Stormtrooper/Darth Chinstrap vs This A—hole

We now have video:

If New Jersey is the armpit of America, then the northeast Ohio/western Pennsylvania region is definitely the butthole.....and this news coverage is proof. CLOWNS WIN

Cheerbabe Tussle: Ben-gals vs The Bone Lady

I still cannot get enough of the Bone Lady. I hope she rides the Bonemobile to Cincinnati this weekend so all of the bone-a-holics in Cincinnati can get a ride in the backseat. Wait, that didn’t sound right, I hope everyone in Cincinnati gets to enjoy the Bone Lady’s presence and Bone It. Again, wait, let’s just look at some Ben-gals:

ErinKellie

I think the BENGALS WIN

Little known Browns fact: The Clowns have not won a division championship since 1989. A few details of that year:
Look Who’s Talking was a top 5 movie.
New Edition broke up.
Madonna’s Like A Prayer was the #1 song.
America’s Funniest Home Videos premiered.
Growing Pains was a top TV show.
The Soviet Union still had 2 years left.
Nintendo released the power glove.
Basically, the Browns suck, but in years when they actually win, the entire year is lame.