Week 13 – Rams
Analysis of last week’s Steelers game:










WHO CARES? Everything about the Bengals sucked on Sunday, offense, defense, special teams, preparation, play calling, consistency and Gingerballs. The most glaring point of the game is that our boy Soul Patch just hates to make things easy. He must have hated Kindergarten and counting to ten, it’s just too easy and makes too much sense. Where is the challenge in that? Counting the base 1 to 10 logarithm of the number 69 would prove a lot more to his Kindergarten teacher. In the rain on a muddy field, the Steelers seemed to realize that short one cut passing routes were the way to go. Cuts are hard to make when playing on manure, so the receivers would run a quick slant and the QB would hit them right away knowing the DB could not have a quick reaction. Why did the Bengals not do this? Granted, there is a huge difference between the Steelers defense and the Bengals defense, but still Soul Patch did not think to change the game plan. The Bengals kept running long developing pass routes that required sharp downfield cuts. It was obvious to everyone watching the game that Palmer could not hit these routes on Sunday. Granted we are lay people, and Soul Patch has many years in the NFL, but the Steelers have used this strategy for 2 straight weeks in the mud. Up until the last 2 weeks, Big Ben was completing 67% of his passes with 8.3 yards per attempt. In the last 2 mud bowls, Big Ben completed 74% of his passes for 6.4 yards per attempt. It’s very rare for completion percentage to go up while yards per attempt goes down considering an incomplete pass registers 0 yards. So what is going on here? The Steelers scaled back all of their routes to short, one cut, completable passes. The clear evidence lies in the Steelers yards per catch, before the mud it was 12.7 per catch, in the mud, 8.7. Soul Patch continuously out-thinks himself in an effort to prove he is a new age Offensive Coordinator in the mold of Peter Gabriel or Yanni. He is not helped by the Bengals lack of running game, but sometimes simple works, so let’s stick with it.
Soul Patch and Peter Gabriel, separated at birth?

Keys to the Game.
Here we go, the Bengals final four games are against the Rams, 49ers, Browns and Dolphins. These are four easily winnable games with the Rams, 49ers and Dolphins currently having 6 wins combined. The Bengals might end up 8-8 for the 4th time in the last 5 years, and continue the era of mediocrity. But the recent middle-of-the-road Bengals usually finish with a late season collapse, and the old loser Bengals would finish by beating other teams with no reason left to play. If the Bengals finish with a 4 game win streak, I will not consider it progress, but instead a return to the old ways in the “wait ‘til next year” era of the 90s. I personally think the strong finishes in the 90s occurred because nobody in the organization cared, and the players would play hard the last few weeks trying to secure a paycheck for the next season. This year, a 6-10 finish would make me happy because the Bengals would finish playing as crappy as they have all season. 6-10 would also grant a high draft pick, but not too high that the pick would break the bank. 6-10 also should be good enough for last in the division which would give the Bengals the easiest schedule next season. As long as the Bengals beat the Browns and are not the only team to lose to the Dolphins, I will be happy. The Rams are 3-9, but have won 3 of their last 4 games.

When the Rams have the ball: The once “Greatest show on turf” should be renamed the greatest show with NERF. The Rams top offensive players, Bulger, Jackson, Holt, Bruce, and Pace have missed a combined 24 games this season, not including games where they played significantly reduced roles. Unfortunately for the Bengals, all except Orlando Pace are expected to play this Sunday. Marc Bulger missed last week due to a concussion, but is expected to throw for 400 yards on Sunday. The Rams offense has been their weakness this season, even though their defense only clocks in as average. However, during the last 5 games, the Rams offense has averaged 336 yards per game, which would put them 12th in the NFL. They should be a good challenge for the Bengals supposedly revamped defense. While the Bengals defense has put together 4 straight games of not making me vomit into my shirt, I still do not buy that they have turned the corner. Stopping a healthy Rams offense would be a big step in making me believe the defense may not be a total liability next season.

When the Bengals have the ball: The Bengals offense is apparently tired of carrying the team. They figured that the defense gets paid when they don’t show up, so now it’s our turn to not show up. Taken by itself, the game in Pittsburgh could be written off to a bad night on a crappy field. But looking back to the last 5 games, you first have Buffalo – a game where the Bengals had the lead until 6 minutes left in the game, yet they only ran the ball 13 times for 22 yards. Then you have the Baltimore game in which the Bengals could chip their way down field against a depleted Ravens secondary until they reached the 20, and couldn’t proceed any further. Next up is the Cardinals game, Carson’s career worst 4 INTs, and the Bengals line being destroyed by the Cards front 4. The Titans game, where the Bengals offense dominated, is now the exception and not the rule. And of course, the embarrassment in Pittsburgh. The Bengals offense has consistently regressed this season, and there are a few major themes to be addressed. The Bengals cannot run the ball. It is a combination of the backs, poor blocking, and play calling, but the Bengals cannot do anything once they are inside the 20 yard line. Again against the Steelers, Eric Ghiacuic was destroyed in the middle and the pocket pushed back into Palmer. This poor blocking and play calling has seeped into the passing game, killing the balance, and Palmer’s completion percentage. The more options the Bengals have, and actually use, the more the defense has to back off. Instead, the Bengals cannot run and seem to drop Carson to the same spot on every play. Defenses key their game plans to get to the same drop point on every play, regardless of what the Bengals are doing. If the Bengals continue to be one dimensional, look for Palmer’s completion percentage to continue to plummet and for him to take hits until he turns into David Klingler.

What you do want to see: There is a chance that Bulger may not play Sunday and we could see the Jungle return of Gus Frerotte.
What you don’t want to see: Snow on the ground. If so, I might be tempted to throw a snowball at Mike Brown's luxury box. If he could figure out where it came from, I might lose my season tickets.

Matchup of mullets: TJ vs. CB Fakhir Brown

We have yet to find a good picture of Carson's burgeoning mullet. It's probably too late to help this season, but if he keeps it, look for Carson to throw 60 TDs next season. Meanwhile, TJ will dominate the matchup of mullet speed again this Sunday. BENGALS WIN